Why bad movies are so irritating. To me, anyway.

Pay attention, class. This one always seems to get me into trouble, because I'm invoking that dangerous, crafty beast, the Metaphor.

Say you love prestidigitation--aka, stage magic. You practice in front of a mirror for hours a day. You are constantly thinking of ways to improve your gags, make your patter a little smoother, or how to do something new. Maybe you aren't the best in the world--though you do amaze your friends and get invited to parties a lot--but then again, maybe you are. If you could just catch a break.

You love magic, is what I'm saying. You know it. You study it. You have a deep, abiding appreciation of it.

So, you go to see a stage magician--somebody nobody has ever heard of, a young guy, just getting started. But he's great. Even gags you do yourself he pulls off with aplomb, with ease, fluidity, like he really is doing magic, with a running patter that is witty and natural-sounding. And he usually works in a little surprise, takes a sudden, unexpected turn, so that you get caught off guard.

Everyone else thinks he's nothing special, really. You, however, while jealous of his talent, are in awe.

Now, you go to see someone everyone has heard of. He's on TV all the time, he has a show in Vegas, etc., etc. He has a huge, glitzy stage show, scantily clad and hot assistants, all that. You find yourself bored. His gags are all store bought and are just larger examples of stuff you do yourself--or would, if you were just starting out. He's not particularly clever, or even skilled--his assistants do most of the work while he takes all the credit.

Everyone else in the crowd thinks he's incredible. You detest him.

So you can imagine how *I* feel, when I go to see a poorly written film. Take, just for an example, Avatar. Others loved the special effects--to be honest, while they were impressive, I was largely indifferent to them. The only thing I cared about was the story, and this one was trite, done-to-death, by-the-numbers . . . I could look at my watch (if I owned a watch) and tell what plot point was coming up. Okay, here's where the hero meets and becomes intrigued by the chief's daughter. Here's where he meets the chief's daughter's boyfriend. Here's where his mentor dies. Here's where . . . you get the idea.

This is why stuff like this gets under my skin so badly. I know I'm not the greatest writer in the world. I think I'm okay in that area--there are many who are better. But there are many many more who are worse, of this I am sure.

But for crying out loud, if you are just going to rehash something that has been done since the dawn of time, do *something* different. Make the central character a female and have her fall in love with the chief's son. Or make him gay. Or something. Anything.

Okay, that one had been building for a while. I feel better now. Thank you.