My last new years resolutions

While I don't talk about it much it's no secret that I spent a significant amount of my life in therapy.

I was in bad shape, too. More than one psychologist told me he'd be amazed if I were still alive in five years. That's because I was drinking pretty heavily and was deeply suicidal, to boot.

Part of my problem was self-loathing. Imagine living with someone you absolutely can't stand. You can just leave, right? But when that person is you, leaving is not an option. So, you're only options are:

• kill yourself
• change yourself

Obviously, since I'm still here, I chose the second option. I spent a lot of time considering my life and made some decisions and decided on some resolutions one New Year's Eve, several years ago. This wasn't easy--I didn't just arrive at some revelation, snap my fingers, and was suddenly okay. This was the hardest thing I've ever done. However, given the state I was in, I had no choice.

First of all, read this article. While I didn't write it, this is all stuff I realized myself during this time, and this is an excellent, helpful, if somewhat brutally honest, article that sums up what I figured out.

After coming to some of the realizations in the above article, I performed a little exercise. I made a list of five things that would completely and totally make me happy, make me feel like life is worth living, make me like myself, even a little bit. Then I re-read the list, and decided that the stuff I had little if any control over would be crossed off of it.

For example, my number one issue was I was crazy in love with this girl who didn't return my affections. I decided, during this exercise, that I had done everything I could do to get her to give me that shot--everything else was up to her and that was something I couldn't control. So, that got crossed off the list and I quit worrying about it.

I'm not saying that was easy. It was incredibly hard. But when I found myself thinking about her I'd divert my thinking towards something else. It took discipline, constant vigilance, and slowly got easier and easier until it was something I could deal with. It took a while, but I got there.

When I looked back at the list I saw that most of the stuff on it was stuff like that--I had zero control over it, yet it was running and ruining my life.

So, I decided to make myself into someone I could admire. This was something I could control. Completely. It was all up to me. Again, not an easy thing to do. Even more difficult than the above. But I did it. It took a long time and a lot of hard work, but I got there. Again, it took discipline, hard work, and constant vigilance, but I got there.

I'm still there. And every year, on New Year's Eve, I remind myself what those days were like. And I resolve just to keep doing what I've been doing.

And I don't forget. I'll never let myself forget. It's all that I need to do to keep myself moving forward.

Inevitable 2012 wrap-up randomocity

Okay, here are my thoughts about the year that is about to come to an end. C'mon, you knew this was coming!

• While I was not surprised to see Obama win re-election I still breathed a sigh of relief when the election was called for him by all the networks. A GOP win would have created a nightmare that would not end for decades. So, I slept easier that night. Now, to retake the House . . .
• I didn't record a single song all year. I've devoted most of my creative energy towards prose and screenplay writing. I have attempted a few musical projects but my heart just wasn't in it.
• I said goodbye to my dog, Atari. I inherited him from my best friend, who couldn't keep him anymore. It had been years since I'd had a pet of any kind, even longer since I'd had a dog (I'd always had cats before) and having him in my life changed everything. He was more than my dog--he was my best friend, my child, my constant and loving companion. I still don't know how I made it though the months following his death. Even now I still feel the pain. Atari--I miss you so much, my big silly mutt.
• I also said goodbye to Savannah, after almost 25 years, when the company I work for closed the office there, and opened a new one in Douglasville. I'd always said I'd never live around Atlanta and now, here I am, living around Atlanta. Never say what you'll never do . . .
• My beautiful, perfect, and talented goddaughter, Talyan, continues to add to her acting resume, after establishing a recurring character on the TV show Two and a Half Men (Ava), appearing in a Samsung commercial that got pretty heavy airtime, and now in a play, Land of the Astronauts, in LA. Nothing to do with me, actually, but I'm very proud of her.
• I've started to write and eventually shelved two novels this year. While that sounds like failure it's a learning experience, and I'll eventually resume working on them.
• I started reading fiction again, after sticking strictly to nonfiction for years.
• I wrote a screenplay I'm pretty happy with--Seer II--which is, of course, a sequel to another screenplay I wrote a while back that I'm also happy with, Seer. Seer II is not officially done--I'm waiting on some notes on it from a friend of mine, and there are a couple of things I may change during a rewrite, but the major work on it has been done.
• I turned 50 just a few days ago. Half a frelling century. Where did it go? And what did I do with it?
• While life isn't great, it's not bad, at the moment, anyway. I miss seeing my goddaughter (though Skype is a reasonable substitute to physical proximity, I guess), and I miss seeing her mom, who is my best friend, though I do expect they'll be making a trip in this direction at some point in the coming year. I'm still getting used to this new city, this bizarre mix of the metropolitan and the rural. I'm still learning, cultivating, considering, and banging away. I guess that's a Good Thing.

Don't worry, 2012, you haven't heard the last of me yet! Some unsolicited advice will be coming up in the official year-end wrap up post, out as soon as I finish thinking it over!

The age of no shame and randomocity

I know it's been said, but what is it with people these days? Why are there so many people out there who as so damned desperate for attention that they'll do anything--anything at all--to get their faces on TV?

There was a time when, if you did something really stupid or embarrassing, you did everything you could to hide it. If you were on TV you wanted it to be because you've done something exceptional--performed CPR on a nun, or won a Grammy, or at least got married or something. Now people are perfectly happy when the picture the news uses of them is a mug shot and they're on TV because they were caught having sex with turtles, or because they tried to hot wire a police car or tried to steal an angus bull by riding it like a horse.

I used to have a girlfriend who was an ER nurse, back during the days when Lorena Bobbit was in the news, and she told me once that a guy had come into the ER one night, incredibly drunk, and announced that he had tried to amputate his own penis and the media was to be alerted. (I told her that, since he obviously wasn't successful, the media wouldn't be interested. But I think I may have underestimated them.) Anyways, that was a while back, and it's gotten much worse since then.

Trust me--if you are watching the news and see a story about some idiot who had done something unbelievably stupid, soon you'll see a good half dozen others who tried to do the same frelling thing.

It's worse, though, when what they did is dangerous to other people who have nothing whatsoever to do with them. Like the guys who set their own houses on fire and call the fire department and then shoot at the firefighters when they get there.

Yes, after that dumbass in New York did that, another dumbass in Hoover, Alabama, did the same thing--though fortunately that moron didn't hurt anybody. He did get his face on the news, though, which I think was the point. Of course he's going to prison for attempted murder, but, dude, it was worth it!

Gods. Just when I thought we couldn't get any more pathetic. And by we I mean Americans. I can't iimagine this being something that goes on in other places in the world. Does it? I mean, stupid people are everywhere, but do so many of them want to get on the tube in other countries like they do here?

I've been developing this new idea a little more--one of my viewpoint characters is a very crooked public official. Seeing things from his point-of-view has been a bit of an eye-opener. I'm enjoying creating the character--let's hope I can make the actual heroes as interesting as this guy is going to be!

More details as they come together.

Should I or shouldn't I? Hmmm . . .

I've been thinking about my current project, The Harvester of Faces, a lot lately. Not so much where it should go but if I should keep working on it.

It's just not working. There's a piece missing and I don't know what it is.

Here's what I'm thinking: putting this on the back burner, to resume working on it at a later date. I still believe in the story--I think it's a good one, and one that people will want to read.

In the mean time I'm going to develop this new idea that just came to me while I was visiting family for the holiday. It's pretty much a straight horror story, in a way a sequel to my short story "Cabin Fever" (published in Warped Words 2010 by JournalStone, FYI.). I'm hoping it'll scare the pants off of anyone who reads it. Ain't nothing I like better than pantsless readers!

Anyways, right now I'm calling it Feeders and that's pretty much what it's about. I can't give any more details because . . . well, I don't have any, just yet. I will say it sort of came to me when I pulled off of I-75 on my way to visit dad--I urgently needed a bathroom break and wound up in this little town where the restroom at the gas station was not working . . . Yes, I did find a place where I could take a piss, and I also had this idea come to me.

About the only thing I can say about it at this point is that it's a monster story.

I'll share a few more details when they sort of firm up, but the more I think about it the more it speaks to me. I'll probably start plotting it out today, and hopefully I will be able to start the first draft before New Year's.

What do you think, gentle reader? Should I abandon--for now--the new project that isn't working and start on this new one? And, are you wearing any pants?

Happy Winter Solstice!

To the two or three of you who read this thing occassionally--thank you very much for indulging me and following my narcissistic ramblings, self-involved ruminations, and befuddling nonsense. I appreciate you all, and hope we are still together this time next year! Have a happy holiday season--and I don't care how you define it, just enjoy it!

The failure of words

Regarding the events of yesterday in Newtown, Connecticut--I've been trying to think of something to say here. I thought about not saying anything at all but somehow that seems . . . wrong.

I emailed my goddaughter's mom and told her to give Talyan a big hug for me--I emailed Talyan herself and let her know I loved her and always will. Circumstances and distances being what they are, that was all I could do. They both responded, which left me feeling a little better about that aspect of this situation, anyway.

And regarding my previous blog entry, the part concerning gun control--I stand by my conclusion that we really need to figure out why people feel compelled to do stuff like this, but if a complete and total ban on firearms were implemented right now I would surrender the one gun I have with me--a 12-gauge shotgun that doesn't even work--and the one or two other guns I own that are being kept for me by immediate family--to the appropriate authorities without a second thought. I don't think a complete and total ban is the answer but I'm as sick of this as I am of anything going on in the world and it needs to stop. Now. If that's the best solution, or at least the most workable one, then I'll be more than happy to go along with it.

This guy pretty much says what I'm attempting to say, much better than me. I urge you to read it. I was raised a lot like he was so I understand what he's talking about.

To anyone reading this touched by this tragedy, or other sort of gun-related tragedy--there's nothing anyone can say and I'm not even going to try. I wish those words existed.

To everyone else--the world is watching us. Again.

Gratuitous Sunday morning randomocity

I'm taking a couple of days off from work this week. Monday and Tuesday.

Originally, I took this time because I was expecting to have a bit of a problem getting a new tag for my truck, since I've moved to a new county. I was at least expecting to have to go down to the tax accessor's office and do something there. Turns out that's not the case. I was able to get it handled over the phone. I mailed them a check and got my new tag in the mail.

So, now I'm going to use those two days to work on The Harvester of Faces. My goal is to be at 25,000 words on this second draft by Tuesday. Right now I'm at 20,000 so it is doable. I may even surpass my goal. We'll see. That would put me at around one-third of the way through it, as I'm expecting it to finally weigh in at 75,000 words.

I'm also going to do my xmas shopping, probably tomorrow. I'm only going to get something for my best friend and her daughter--my goddaughter. So, it won't take long and I can take care of it all online.

I was watching Sunday Night Football in America when Bob Costas spoke out in favor of gun control, and I'm watching with fascination the reaction to it. It's crazy--the far right is saying the celebrities need to keep their political opinions to themselves. But they don't say anything about Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Clint Eastwood, Meatloaf, or any number of other celebrities who spoke out politically that they agreed with. So, the only celebrities who should keep their mouths shut are the ones with opinions that would offend the far right, I guess.

My own opinion? For one, Bob Costas is perfectly within his rights to say what he said, and I found his opinion to be quite measured and reasonable and logical and worth consideration. Do I agree?

Yes and no. I grew up around guns, so they hold no special power over me. I don't find them particularly fascinating. I used to hunt, mostly dove, quail, with some deer hunting (killed a few doves and quail, never even saw a deer until I'd quit hunting altogether. Now they seem to be everywhere.) For a long time I was against any form of gun control.

Now, though, I think we do need to do something about it, though I don't know what. I feel that if we did make it harder to buy guns the people who would use them to commit crimes would still manage to get ahold of one.

There is a deeper issue, though, that is not being addressed at all that I can find, and it's something that will need to be addressed before anything else would work. That is: why? Why do people feel the need to kill other people when they get angry? Why is just arguing no longer enough? Why has the value of human life declined so much that a simple disagreement can result in someone being murdered?

But finding the answer to that, and addressing it in a meaningful way, would be really hard and probably expensive. Which means we may never have an answer.

Things I wish I could do better

Anybody who reads this blog has figured out that I suck at writing essays.

It's a definite skill, and I know if I took it a little more seriously I would get better at it, but to be honest for the most part I just don't care enough to practice. I'd rather write fiction. But it doesn't stop me from reading essays written by other people who are much better at it than me with a combination of admiration and jealousy.

I wish I were better at appreciating film.

I hear about a brilliant director--Kubrick springs to mind--and I'll watch one of his films and think, "Huh?" I know I'm missing something, because too many other people I admire and respect love Kubrick, but I'll watch one of his films and be left thinking that it was far too long for the miniscule amount of story it told. 2001: A Space Odyssey is a prime example. Again, I know it's entirely because I'm flat-out missing something everyone else can see.

I wish I were better at appreciating music.

There are bands everyone seems to love that I just don't get. Led Zeppelin, for example. I know, this borders on sacriledge, but I just don't understand the heaping admiration people pour onto these guys. Some of their music is okay--one or two songs are great--but most of it just sounds like something a bunch of stoned guys trying to make a record threw together. Again, there has to be something I'm missing, but I'll hear a song their fans just adore--like "Stairway to Heaven" or "Black Dog"--and I'm left wondering what the big deal is.

I wish I were better at forgiving.

I'll carry a grudge to my grave. If someone pisses me off I will never forget it. I may not act like I remember it, and I may never say anything about it, but, trust me, I haven't forgotten, and I won't. I wish I could. I've tried. But I just can't. It just makes sense on some levels--if someone betrays me once they are likely to do it again--but on the other hand it can make things awkward when I'm forced to deal with someone I don't trust entirely, or at all.

I wish I were better at accepting gifts and complements.

It always makes me uncomfortable to get a present, or to get praise from someone, or even an award, on the rare occassions something like that happens. I don't know why. My birthday is coming up and my co-workers are talking about getting me a cake even though I've said several times I don't want one. This isn't because of some stupid religious conviction or anything--it's just because stuff like that makes me extremely uncomfortable. Which, I suppose, is equally stupid, but it's mine, and that makes all the difference.

What about you? What do you wish you do better?