Dysphoria

I open my eyes in the darkness


Images in my mind holding sway

Feeling the fears of half a million years

Unable to face the day



I close my eyes in the darkness

What does it matter anyway?

Shed or unshed, tears are still tears

And dead memories come out to play



And I wonder what I could have done . . .



I hear your lies in the darkness

Swearing you’ll always be true

As the dawn nears the haziness clears

I was always right to doubt you



My love dies in the darkness

Along with my dreams about you

After all these years I finally feel these fears

But I feel nothing, too



And I wish I could be different . . .



I really wish I knew how it felt

That feeling so many claim to feel

In place of this deep and cold numbness

A gaping wound which will not heal



I live my life in the darkness

And I will until the end

I’m not secretive I just got no alternative

No intention to offend



I’ll end my life in the darkness

Going out like I came in

Unknown, unknowable, the pain so unbearable

Like my whole life has been



And I just want it to be over . . .



By J Franklin Evans

The Devil That I Know

The Devil That I Know




You say you don't understand my rage

Well, there you go, it just goes to show

'cause it’s the same thing all over again

Same old show, do your damage and go



You never see from my perspective

I tried to explain why I feel this pain

It really doesn't take a detective

to understand where this is coming from



This is the devil that I know, a gift from you to me

This is the dance I have to dance, the show I have to see



I guess I should be grateful

You made it possible, irreversible

Because of you now I am knowledgeable

Honorable, accessible



How you made it clear that you hated my dreams

So pathetic, unsympathetic

I realize now that it was more than it seems

Your scorn was a cover for your fears



This is the devil that I know, a gift from you to me

This is the dance I have to dance, the show I have to see

This is the pain that I must feel, forever a part of me

It keeps me sane and sets me free



I used to think I was a monster because of you

I wondered what was wrong with me

I hated myself because you told me to

I finally discovered it's not me, the monster was you



This is the rage I'll always feel

Long as I live, I'll never forgive

You've taken all from me that you can steel

No longer submissive, no longer derisive



This is the devil that I know, the one that brought me here

the rage that blooms inside I think I've made that clear

You'll never really understand why I do what I do

But you introduced me to the devil and for that I thank you



words and music by J Franklin Evans